Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing