me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
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Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
WHY would you be happy about this?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.