Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
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Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’