Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
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Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Don’t touch that.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Stop.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.