Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—