Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

Beware…..

Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?

My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead