Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

Sounds like a real hoot.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

weddings should have a worst man