ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
You Might Also Like
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Social distancing in Australia:
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.