Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

*praying for world peace*
God:

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

😂

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

my favorite gender

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.