Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

Thoughts

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.