Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

How I’d get arrested…

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!