Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?