me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
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I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.