me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
You Might Also Like
I’m never leaving this app.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Flock of bats
