me the second it drops below 70 degrees
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My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.