Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
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me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Just ordered me some pizza!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
catch me on valentine’s day like
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
🐿️
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*