Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
The first matador
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner