Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t