me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Respect
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
