me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
