Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Grandmother clock.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?