Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”

Me: “wedding cake”.

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.