Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
crochet youtube is brutal
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman