Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.