Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
being a writer on Twitter:
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”