Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets