Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO