Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

it was a valiant fight

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.