Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
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Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
OMG 🤣🤣
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.