Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
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*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
⛄️
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.