me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
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[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
When he asks for feet pics
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I did not eat the cake…
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Note to self: I am a note
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.