me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
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I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Creative Problem Solving
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*