Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
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I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
lost dog
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.