Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.