Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
You Might Also Like
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
I am never leaving this website
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.