Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed