Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

o shit

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.