ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
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cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Word!
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc