Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.

cry laughing at this shit

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.