Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.