Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
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I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious