Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection