ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Holy moly
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!