ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
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*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”