ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
*weighs self after shaving
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?