Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

BOSS: do you know why I called you today?

ME: because I work on Thursdays?

BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day

ME: wow you should call more

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.