Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.

Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

The sacred texts.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.