ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
You Might Also Like
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Mornin. * use accordingly
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
this is how life feels
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.