Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

ㅤ

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Them: You should try keto
Me:

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa