Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

Seek kebab; not attention

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports