Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance