Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

Whoa 😂

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

ㅤ

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

How tf did it end up there?

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit