me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”