me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
There is no “we” in pizza
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating