Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”