Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.