Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

want me to check your oil?

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

SF is the wild wild west man

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow