Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

this chia pet tastes awful

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.