4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
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The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
just witnessed a drug deal
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls