Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now