me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
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I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.