Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

lmfao come on

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.