Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning