me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
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I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in