me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
do horses think humans are hats
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
this has done me in for some reason
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
This could’ve been an email.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.