me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
![]()
You Might Also Like
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
![]()
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.