Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

put ‘er there pardner!

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.