Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

Is….Is this an option?

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”