Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

Wednesday

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

Not my job 😂

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face