Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
You have been warned.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
grotesque if literal: baby food
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey