Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

how long have you had this for?

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute