Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
man i love columbo
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?