Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff